Monday, April 23, 2007
nihon go ga mada jouzu dewa arimasen
It is very dangerous. Times like this that can either built an empire or ruin it. Can’t believe what those stupid egoism overflow bustard do or done or did. When did I become so indifferent to what that is happening to me? Don't even have the energy to argue or to think about it. Its like if this happen then ok with me. If it did not then ok too. I mean be frank what the use of worrying right? Small prawn like me…worry for wat. What is meant to happen will happen so leave these to others.
And then whenever I am in front of my pc I run out of things to say but once I get up and out of the chair then all those thoughts would be pouring into my brain till it seem that it would explode. So I would stare and stare at the blank white and too bright screen till my eyes hurts and swollen and then…something must be wrong.
Finally after much anticipation my dream, well only half of my dream, will come through. When that day comes I will not look back. I will sail towards where my destiny takes me and goodbye old life and hello new life. No matter what obstacles I will encounter from that day onward I will have to brace it and that time it would be my turn to say to those people 'fuck you' man.
It won't be long before someone will discover the truth or be shock by it. I mean harvesting it for some time now and when it did…man what mayhem it would cause. I deal in nitty gritty and I am greedy. Don't expect any charity from me. In my plan there won't be any salvation and everyone would be my slaves. What? You don't like it? Then fuck you! Don't tell me. I don't want to know. Why should I know? Go to hell man!
And then as each day passes by did I notice that something has indeed been changed and that it is not my imagination that causes these changes. Such is the depth of my disturbing mind and degrading mentality that I always assume that the everyday life and everyday encounter exist merely in my illusion world and all is only the product of my hallucination. Doubt seep through no matter how hard I try to convince that it is not doubt but reality. Where is my faith? I often said that I lost it. But fear to realise that maybe I don't even possessed it in the first place. How to measure faith? How to know that it truly exists? If I say that I believe in a God does that mean I have faith? But if I don't believe in this belief then do I not possess even a tiny bit of faith? If I do not have faith then the question is how I survive, so far, or into the future. Can I really believe that the future will come after today become yesterday and yesterday become history and soon history become distorted and take a leap into the category of mythology. How would you judge me on this then?
We thought we could do anything just because we can. If that is so then why not our creator, be it your God or my God or however many Gods out there who created each and one of us, make us fly? Give us wings. Give us supernatural power. Give us the gift of premonition of precognition. Why not? Why not make us superman and wonder woman since he or she has create us to be the superior of all animals. Why then he or she not makes us the superior of all creatures in the whole universe or galaxy? Indeed that is curious enough for us to ponder upon. Or has our egotism overly blown up till we believe that we, ourselves, mere mortals, are Gods ourselves. Can that be considered as faith? I believe so I have faith. And so whatever I believe, no matter how absurd it might seem gain me faith. I am God so I can do whatever I want? Does it make any sense to you?
God gave men a pairs of eyes and he gave women two breasts that block men's view. We should all forgive men for making stupid mistakes cos their vision are only the size of a woman's breasts. Men are doomed. They can't see beyond a woman breasts and they can't think beyond their penis. What kind of a God but a woman would create a creature that are suppose to be perfect yet throw in his path endless obstacles to prevent his advancement and make him look ridicule and foolish and ignorance and in the end the only beneficiary is God who would then be seen so perfect and oh so high almighty. God is a he? Maybe. God is a she? The possibility of that I would say is high…very high. Don't believe me? Take a look at the guy sitting next you. Walking evidence. What else do you need? No need for a storyline. No need to have any motive or drama. Our life is dramatic enough to last us through eternity. Who need that? You? Certainly not me.
Why is it that when people talk about their death, they always like to assume that they "will go to heaven" when their life expire. Why must everyone go to heaven? Why doesn’t anyone want to go to hell? Does heaven really means good and hell means badness. But in this world, this time and century that we are living in, how do we really differentiate between what is really good and what is really bad? And how many points do we have to score before we can safely progress to heaven and how low we have to get to be banished to hell. Take a look around. We are in hell! Is it so bad or is it any better. Heaven is hidden and tug in every corner of this world that we are living in but did anyone really went looking for it. Did someone actually wake up in the morning and realise and proclaim that he or she is in hell and then proceed to seek out heaven. No! We are in hell now and everyone knows it.
But we are comfortable with it. We are so comfortable in this situation, in this hell hole that some asshole are so unsatisfied that they wanted to turn hell into a black hole and let the whole world be suck into nothingness. They believe they are creating a better place for us to live in but first they have to kill to slaughter to destroy to demolish. Get rid of all only then there will be peace. But what is left when all is gone? When hell is gone, it takes away the little heavens as well. They don't know. They thought they are doing us a favour! I always thought that after crucified the son of God, human being couldn't get any lower then that, but the depth of human atrocities not only stun me speechless, it shame me into non existence. Human beings are not even fit to be called animals. Animals don't root their own species when they are killing, they don't stones their victim, they don't strip their victims of their dignity and pride and tormented them for pleasure and they don't toy and spit like we did on humanity.
What are we? Remember Satan. If we are anything at all, then I do believe that we are all children of darkness. We are Satan’s child not God.
If I didn't say anything, if I should keep quiet and whatever might happened later let them guess let them speculate let the rumours spread I am not around to bother anymore. Had a dream that is so real I began to doubt if my mind is playing tricks on me. When I go down who will lift me up. Who will stand by me and tell me that I would be love and nothing bad would happen to me. What to think when no matter where turns to, there is not even an exit sign available. Trap in this hell hole everyday repeating the same answer, I won't I won't I won't. To whom this is address to and to whom it has been received. Tie my hands behind my back I won't sin so I must be good and that how I die good.
Why do you still ask? When you knew that I would lie. To lighten the blow that is how I see it but deceived is how you would interpret. Why make it so complicate when simplicity is what he always intend for us to be.
Since when did I convert from die hard to accommodative? Since when I stop saying I won't to I might? Since when did I become soft hearted and started smiling instead of exhibiting sullen and forlorn all the time? Expect the world to revolve around me only to find myself spinning out of control. And the symptoms rushes crowding me when I yearn to be far from the madding crowds. Merely a mortal yet in my heart of hearts I always thought I am different thus would not confined myself to the daily routine of the others. To be the outsider of a world that has been destiny for me. How I do wish that this ain't so. But reality, sweet and sour and bitter, once bitten it left its mark and the poison seep deep. No antidote no remedy.
Try my best not to be cruel. Everyday planning my life and try damn hard for it to go the way it is suppose to be. No surprise. Surprises disturb peace and whack my schedule out of proportion and unnerve the heart. Clone myself and given it’s a new alien DNA and when the time come board the spaceship I will be gone no time to say bye bye I will residence at Mars but where would you be on judgement day?
Now I know what it means. When proclaimed that force to leave because have to breath don't want to stay and suffocate for no love is worth such sacrifice. Make any sense to you? When love to such extend of breathlessness of hearing the muscle tearing the heart expanding fearing it would explode but doing nothing to prevent its perish. No need to go for any training. Every word every rule written has already been known. Yet why is it so difficult to put it to use. Always afraid always hesitate no matter what others might say. I am the one who have to part the sea not them so what do they know. Try to have the courage but without a pair of hands I can hold on to or a shoulder I can lean everything seem impossible. Looking at him, staring till my eyes hurt and my heart breaks over and over. Knowing that nothing will come out of this infatuation yet persisted. Who say I need to? Who order this to happen? I am not mortal I won't dwell on such ridicule. Is that where all the holding back came from? I am not mortal I can't be hurt. When that happened, whoever did that, God bless him and whoever stood between.
I do nothing. I wait and see. Wait and see and by doing so I allow evil to triumph. I permit it to happen just as I authorised for so many others cruelty that has been imposed. Improvise is what others have to do to. Compromise is what they have to get use to. I make all rules and I sit back and wait for it to be carried out. Soon arrogant poison my heart and pride blinded my sight. Walking in the dark my hands touches foetus brushes corpses and the wetness on my hand upon taste is the tears and blood of the innocent victims. Coming out of the darkness we each senses the other presence on guard prepare for war. When challenge he whisper 'are you afraid of the dark' and in this instance I have known; in falling into darkness I have damned myself into the dark of all darkness. When it comes, it comes so swiftly so silently and so painlessly it took me a century to get to the truth. Are you afraid of the dark? Make the wrong move when I say 'I do'.
What the heck. Don't know what I am grumbling about or mumbling about all day. Couldn't have what I want. What I have I don't want. What the hell is this. See I say it again. What the hell. Actually what the hell is what the hell. I mean does it mean what is hell or what the big deal I am in the hell kind of what the hell or could it simply just mean what the hell like what the heck is just what the heck. Heck what. Head or tail. Stop thinking too much darling. Better still don't think.
And what about that. What about this. Who is going to taking care of the caring part if I don't care? Doesn't make any sense right? So eventually I ended up caring anyway. Perhaps the secret is to retard oneself. Only the crazy and insane is the bless one. Think they don't know anyway that they are dead to the world? Oh baby they do know. They are the one who sees through all the masks and camouflage and the truth of it all drove them mad. The rest of us, still living in deception and dreaming the dreaming of the impossible and refusing to accept what is already is. This world this universe was born evil and evil will roam as long as living things exist. We are that seed of doubt that demonic elements that corrupt this could be beautiful world. Hell mouth has been opened and we will die by jumping into it voluntarily.
And then declare let there be light to guide the lost lamp. Let there be love to nurse the tender heart. Let there be tears to wash away pain. Let there be happiness to compensate the sorrow and let there be morning to separate it from the dark so that while there is time where evil run loose there is also a time for righteous to triumph. So fair is fair equal is equal. About the pound of flesh that has been given, another equal pound will be taken; be it from you or your loves one. So do ponder whenever ask will you. After I do is an unchangeable aftermath which will be stuck on the notice board with no amendment.
Write in asking for early retirement don't care if there is any penalty charges or interest in lieu. Beg to reconsider to avoid tragedy but am told that one's existence is the tragedy. What can I say then? When decided that thyself is the error should be erase instead of lingering suffering till when fate get tire have enough no more fun and call back the transaction. So let go. Standing behind watch the figure lurch forward and the tiny cell falls and falls till whatever is left splash all over the ground. He says it’s not right. She asks why do it. I was caught speechless.
What should I tell? How should I tell?
Painappuru was brutally tortured... brutally murdered... on Monday, April 23, 2007
